Everything is Fine

Since the day I arrived to this city, Friday’s nights were always cinema nights…today we saw “Inside man”…. It was really a very good one but too long especially with a severe pain in the bottom side of your back…. But thank God for medicine, with a “deep heat” patch, I am already feeling much better … Anyway, after our cinema, we continued our night with the gang, ordered some food, watched another movie “spiderman-2” and had some shisha…it was a nice night as always…

The thing that really touched me today, was my mom call at the end of the first movie… which is around 12 am Jordan time…I got really worried for her late call since she never did it before and for a reason that she rarely sleep late… “wainek 7abibti, meshta2etlek…laih ma 3am teb3atele kol akhbarek…keef drastek…ma3 meen 3am tetla3e…bshu mashgooleh?” all these questions at the same time… I swear to God for a min I wanted to cry…her last call was just few days ago with non-stop txt msgs…but her sudden worries about me tonight were so touchy and surprising… my friends were waiting for me while I was talking to her…I turned my face away from them…took my breath… hold my tears and my strength to tell her my news...I didn’t know what to tell her…I never liked to involve her with my problems…never wanted to bother her regardless how far I got with my troubles…I always show her that nothing is serious…just a bad temper phase I am in…what shall I tell her now… with a distance of more than 10 hours …shall I tell her I am depressed because of my study? shall I tell her about the stress from sitting infront of the computer for more than 14 hours a day learning new software’s for my PhD…or shall I tell her about my heart broken news and my struggle with somebody’s presence…or maybe I should tell her about hating myself to decide to continue my PhD in this particular city!…which one shall I start? …maybe I should start with telling her about my burnt skin when I tried to cook pasta…or my daily course of milk and corn-flakes because of both lack of time and laziness to cook…ahhhhhhhhh ya mama… it’s a decision I made by myself…a decision I fought the whole family for … a decision I didn’t even consider the consequences of achieving it in this city with his presence … it was a stubborn dream as every other dream I followed and wrote my story … I miss you mom…I wish I can have that huge doses of hugs & kisses to assure me that everything is OK….I am so tired…so stressed out because of things I decided to have… I gave up the idea of being a normal girl while you all warned me not to… my dream has started to convert to a nightmare since the day I arrived here… will it finish one day? …

“Mama kolshe tamam, don’t worry…bs draseh kteer…o halla tal3een ma3 el group 3al cinema” with a tear f*ed the bloody ground I am walking on.